World Class Hugs

By Rachel Puryear

The subject of toxic people – and toxic relationships – is always a popular one. That’s because a toxic person can bring a great deal of pain, leave paths of devastation, and wreak havoc in so many other people’s lives so quickly. Meanwhile, a toxic relationship can bring so much misery and heartache, especially where leaving the relationship is also very painful (if not also complicated).

However, there can be a distinction between a toxic relationship, versus a toxic person – a toxic person will typically only have toxic relationships, but not every toxic relationship has to necessarily involve a toxic person.

Here’s more about how that can be the case, that a relationship can be toxic but not necessarily involve any inherently toxic individuals:

Poorly Matched

Sometimes two different people can each be good people with a lot to offer, but that doesn’t mean they’re necessarily good for each other.

A mismatch in goals, values, lifestyles, and needs can set them up for dissatisfaction with each other later on, and lead not just to more fights, but also to resentment. Chronic resentment is a terribly destructive thing for a relationship of any kind.

A relationship between poorly matched individuals can become toxic eventually, even if neither of them are toxic individuals. And assuming that neither individual in such a relationship is toxic, they could potentially each still have happier relationships with others, provided they were with someone else who much better matched their goals, values, lifestyles, and needs.

Unrealistic Expectations

It’s natural to have high hopes for any relationship. However, sometimes people’s hopes are not well aligned with reality, and this leads to disappointment.

For instance; people might know deep down that they’re mismatched with someone else, but want to believe they can make it work because of strong attraction and intense feelings early on. Or, they might overlook red flags, for the same reasons.

They might also hope that being in a relationship can fix their own personal problems, when that’s not a fair expectation of the other person.

Many people mistake the intoxicating infatuation they experience in the first several months of a new relationship – also called new relationship energy, or the honeymoon phase – for lasting love and commitment. But this exciting phase never lasts. If the relationship is viable for the longer term, though, the next phase after that is to figure out if the people involved can replace that energy with trust and a deeper bond.

As amazing as that new relationship feeling is; it’s that later trust, deep bond, and commitment (if it reaches that point) that will get a pair through the many actual and potential challenges in their lifetimes – health ups and downs, financial stress, employment ups and downs, juggling work and life, raising children and families, taking care of elders and family members and friends in need, dramas, deaths, and all kinds of other pressures and problems and twists that life throws at people. Not to mention toxic people who might try to come between the two of you, or physical separations that are unavoidable (such as one person needing to travel for work, or someone being institutionalized); or problems like legal troubles, or substance abuse and addictions. Even strong couples struggle through these kinds of things together – while couples who lack a strong relationship foundation and reservoir might be broken up by them.

Unresolved Trauma

People typically look at reality through the lens of their own life experience, rather than objectively. This can include unresolved trauma from the past, that’s influencing how we perceive our current close relationships – sometimes more so than what reality actually is.

Furthermore, sometimes people are unconsciously attracted to one another because they both have similarly traumatic pasts, and these shared histories play out in their relationships. So they play out the same toxic traits modeled to them in earlier life, with someone else who shares them (or if not the same traits, ones that go together – like a co-dependent and one who won’t take care of themself).

This does not mean that someone with a traumatic past is necessarily doomed to a lifetime of toxic relationships – in fact, many people do build families and social circles much better than what they were raised with, and it’s a major accomplishment to do so. However, it does mean that addressing the trauma in one’s past is critical to the future success of their relationships, and makes a huge difference for everyone involved.

Co-Dependency

Sometimes good people have serious problems like alcoholism and addiction, mental health issues and behavioral problems, personality disorders, trouble with the law, trouble with letting people walk all over them, and other difficulties with managing their lives.

We all need help sometimes, and there are times in any longtime relationship or friendship will require one person to put the other person’s needs over their own for a while. And there should be reciprocity in that when needed. That is normal.

However, co-dependency is an unhealthy and destructive relationship dynamic. This is where one person – the co-dependent – is drawn to another person with serious problems, so that the co-dependent can feel needed by managing the life of the troubled person. The troubled person might also seek out a co-dependent, as a means of avoiding dealing with their own problems more effectively.

Growing Apart Over Time

Sometimes, relationships – and friendships – simply run their course, and expire due to no particular fault of anyone. This doesn’t necessarily mean that the individuals were wrong for each other at the time, or that relationship was never mutually satisfying.

However, relationships may run their course where things change over time, and the relationship then no longer works in a mutually satisfactory way. This might happen for many reasons.

People’s values, goals, interests, and desired lifestyles can diverge over time – especially where both people were quite young and didn’t yet know themselves well when the relationship started. Or, they might go through personal growth, development, and change at different rates – perhaps with only one person making an effort at such, while the other resists such change. Sometimes people’s lives change such that a relationship no longer works as well.

Or, sometimes there’s an unresolved issue (or many) from early on, that they cannot ever resolve. Maybe there’s an incident of betrayal or hurt that they couldn’t move past, or maybe see eye to eye on. Either way, resentment can build up over time this way, and erode the feelings of affection and goodwill that each person has for the other. The unresolved issue could be anything from the obviously big, to the seemingly small.

If there’s a feeling in a relationship like one or both people has already outgrown it, that there isn’t a future in it, or that there’s nowhere to go with it; it may have run its course. Sometimes, if this is the case, and both partners are willing to make an effort to rekindle the flame and get closer together again; there could be a chance. But it takes a strong joint desire and willingness to work at it, and a realistically viable path forward for that relationship.

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