World Class Hugs

By Rachel Puryear

Those lucky enough to know and love a highly empathic person know that these people will go above and beyond for those they love – and that they tend to be kind, giving, and sympathetic.

People familiar with co-dependency – that is, having an unhealthy reliance on a partner struggling with uncontrolled addiction, personality disorder, or illness; and often in a way that helps each party avoid dealing with their respective problems – also know that co-dependents do a lot of caretaking, and have a strong need to be needed.

Some, however, confuse the two things – and conflate being empathic with being co-dependent.

In fact, the two are distinct, and quite different things. It is true that one can be empathic or be a co-dependent, or they can be neither, or they can be both. But they are separate.

Here are differences between being (a healthy, secure, self-accepting) empathic person, versus instead being co-dependent:

Value From Within Versus External Validation

Whereas the co-dependent derives their sense of self-worth by having others need them, the (emotionally healthy) empathic person feels their own value from within.

The co-dependent sees their value in what they do, while the empathic person sees their own value in who they are.

Boundaries Versus a Lack Thereof

The co-dependent has poor boundaries, and feels bad about setting even reasonable limits with other people.

The empathic person is willing to set appropriate boundaries with others – that doesn’t mean they’re always perfect at it, or that they don’t need to learn and practice how to do it, but they at least recognize the need for such.

Self-Love Versus Anxiety, Guilt, and Shame

Co-dependents are driven by anxiety, guilt, and shame. They worry about being good enough, being needed, and often feel that others will abandon them if they don’t constantly prove their worth.

An empathic person can feel love for themselves, as well as for others. That is what drives them, and their self-love is what enables them to also love others.

Leading by Example Versus “Fixing” Others

A co-dependent wants to find a troubled person to save and rescue, in order to meet their need to be needed. They may regard themselves as a one-person rehabilitation center for emotionally damaged partners, friends, and family members.

Empathic people, on the other hand, strive to be what they want to see more of in the world. They will help others when willing and able, but also expect that others do what it takes to make themselves helpable. They know that helping others is a joint effort.

Feeling for Self and Others, Versus Avoiding Feelings by Helping Others Avoid Theirs

Co-dependents focus on others, in order to avoid dealing with their own needs and feelings, and by extension they enable others to likewise avoid dealing with their problems, too. It’s a cycle of avoidance of issues.

Empathic people take care of themselves, and by extension are therefore better able to take care of others. They prefer to address problems directly, rather than avoid them. Through self-compassion, they have better emotional reserves with which to have healthy relationships.

Mutually Satisfying Relationships Versus One-Sided Ones

Co-dependents will seek out unequal relationships, which become one-sided, and about taking care of the other person, but where that other person is unable and/or unwilling to take care of the co-dependent person.

An empathic person will enjoy and appreciate relationships where each person cares for the other, and where there is reciprocity. They appreciate care and love from others, and are also willing and able to give care and love in return.

Awareness of Others Versus Self-Suppression to Appease Others

Co-dependents crave approval from others, even at the cost of pretending to be someone they’re not. This also inhibits their awareness of themselves, and who they really are.

Empathic people are aware of who they are, and who others are – and they are comfortable with being themselves and letting others be. This enables them to be secure with themselves, and accepting of others as they are.

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