World Class Hugs

By Rachel Puryear

I received a question from a reader regarding romantic relationships with large age differences. The reader wanted to know whether such relationships are inherently unfair to the younger person, given that the older person has more life experience – and, likely, the older person has more power in the relationship accordingly.

It’s a great question, and I’ll address the subject in this post. For the purposes of this post, let’s say we’re talking about relationships where there is an age difference between the partners of at least ten years.

Here are some things to consider for folks considering a relationship with a relatively large age difference:

On the Half-Your-Age-Plus-Seven Rule

There’s a popular social guideline which says that one should only date someone who’s at least half their age, plus seven years. The reverse of that – to determine the recommended upper limit – is your age minus seven, then times two.

For example, I’m 44 – so according to that rule, someone my age should date people between 29 and 74. So that leaves a lot more room to go up, than down.

If you’re doing a little math in your head right now, you’re probably noticing that the younger a person is, the smaller their recommended age range is. For example, a 14 year old should date other 14 year olds, per this guideline. A 24 year old is recommended to date people between 19 and 34.

The older a person gets, however, the wider their recommended age range gets, per this guidelines. The recommended range for a 36 year old is between 25 and 58, while the recommended range for a 50 year old is between 32 and 86 (but that doesn’t mean they should turn down a 90 year old, if there’s a spark).

While I don’t think this rule should be rigidly set in stone, I think it actually is a sensible guideline, and allows for more flexibility as people get older – which makes sense.

I think that in a very generalized sense, relationships with large age differences work a lot better when each partner has some life experience, knows what they are getting into, and has matured.

The following issues I will discuss which can come up when there’s a significant age difference; are often more pronounced where a very young partner has a much older partner, or at least these issues are more foreseeable for people older than, say, 30 or so.

For instance, all else being equal, a relationship between a 40 year old and 60 year old is probably more sustainable long term than one between a 20 year old and a 30 year old.

There’s a Difference in Perspective

People view life differently depending upon their age. Our perspective changes as we get older, and continues to do so throughout the life cycles.

Accordingly, couples with a large age difference will need extra communication skills and understanding, in order to work with their different perspectives.

This is also a big reason why some people view large age differences in relationships with suspicion, especially if the younger person is quite young. There’s a difference in power, and even in the ability to appreciate that difference in perspective and power.

This does not necessarily mean that relationships with large age differences – or even other differences in power and experience – mean that the relationship will be abusive, controlling, or toxic. But there could a be higher risk of such with a large age difference.

However, the older person in particular has an extra ethical obligation to treat their younger partner fairly, and to remember when they were their partner’s age. There’s something called the campsite rule – that when dating a younger partner, to leave them better than you found them.

In my observation, people who get older while all of their partners remain the same young age, and are outright unwilling to date someone closer to their own age, tend to be deeply emotionally immature – if not also controlling, with this being why they desire ever-younger partners. This also tends to mean that the relationship will likely end once the younger person reaches a certain age. But this does not usually apply where people connect with each other regardless of age, rather than someone specifically seeking out only younger partners.

Furthermore, very young people (like younger than 30, and especially younger than 25 – which is when the human brain fully matures) usually don’t know themselves well yet, and will likely change as they mature.

Whereas someone older than 30 or 40 (people can vary here) likely has figured out who they are, knows what they want – and are willing to pursue that, has resolved at least some early life emotional issues (or at least knows why they’re there), and has had some time to mature.

So the difference in perspectives between someone very young, and someone middle aged or older, is very significant because of this factor alone.

There’s a Difference in Life Stage

As we go through life, there are different stages. Of course, each life is unique, but our age is likely tied to a lot of our current goals and priorities.

Younger adults tend to be focused on finishing their education and getting established in their careers, finding partners and maybe starting families – or deciding whether that’s what they want, and figuring out who they are and what they want in life.

Adults in middle age tend to be looking at advancing their careers – maybe seeking more work-life balance – and setting themselves up for eventual retirement; they may have raised families and may also be looking forward to having grandchildren – or they may have no kids and are physically past the point of possible childbearing, and are unlikely to want to have any or more new children; they might have gotten divorced – and maybe partnered again, or are deepening a long term relationship now that life might be slowing down a little.

Older adults are nearing retirement, if not retired already; their health and quality of life – and that of their loved ones around their age – is of increasing concern; and they have usually made peace with who they are and know themselves pretty well by then.

In a relationship with a large age difference, the partners will likely be in different life stages. That doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is doomed – but it does mean that the partners must think carefully about whether the relationship can still meet both of their needs, even though they are both in different life stages. Which brings us to the next point.

Consider What You Both Want and Need

Different people are looking for different things in relationships. The complications a significant age difference can bring will likely vary based upon what each partner is looking for.

If partners want to have children and raise a family, a larger age difference comes with logistical, financial, and ethical questions for the potential couple to deal with, than when it will just be the two of them.

The younger partner will also need to consider that their partner will age sooner than they will, and also likely need late-in-life care at a time when the younger partner might still be able to have – and still desire – a more active life.

The older partner will need to think about the likelihood that their partner will retire later than they will, and that they not be able to enjoy retirement together for many years.

It also depends what the relationship will be like – will they be committed life partners, in which case age becomes more salient; or is the relationship more casual and part-time, in which case age is less relevant?

For polyamorous relationships, a large age difference could often work better with a metamour than with a primary partner.

This will likely be less of an issue where both partners are old enough to have some life experience and maturity, even if there’s an age difference, than in cases where a very young person is paired with someone a lot more experienced than they are.

Respective Social Circles

Couples with large age differences can face challenges in combining their social circles together, as their circles of friends will likely each be closer to the respective partner’s age. Accordingly, their friends will probably also have age differences, too.

For some couples, this won’t be a big deal, and their friends will still blend well. Or, they might be able to at least work towards that.

But other couples might find that just because they are comfortable with the age difference, doesn’t mean their friends will necessarily be.

This tends to be more of an issue where the younger person is very young, like under 30, while the older person is much older. It’s probably not an issue if they’re both more than 30 or 40.

And this isn’t just about the friends accepting the relationship – if a partner’s friends prefer not to include someone much younger or much older than themselves in social gatherings, one – or even both – of the partners could soon find themselves more frequently excluded from such.

Friends might also feel that someone much older or younger doesn’t have enough in common with the rest of the group – and sometimes, this could come down to differences in maturity, perspective, and different life stages.

In my experience, such problems are more likely to arise with the younger person’s friends – again, particularly if the younger person is in their early 20s, more so than the older person’s. Younger people that age tend to prefer to socialize more with one another, while people learn to better relate to others of more widely ranging ages and stages of life as they get older.

This can be an unfair and frustrating complication of a relationship with a large age difference, but it’s a common reality. Partners considering a serious relationship with someone much older or younger than themselves should be prepared to face these issues.

However, this doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker, nor does it mean that everyone with a much older or much younger partner will lose friends. My own personal social circle has a wide range of ages, and it’s not an issue. Then again, nearly all of us are over 40. They’re also very warm and welcoming.

Again, for polyamorous circles, this is likely also less of an issue – especially with metamours. I also find that polyamorous communities are less worried about age than others, especially as differences in life stage become a lot less complicated for lovers who are not primary partners in relatively early life, and are not raising families together and focusing mainly on each other.

Life Expectancy

This is an uncomfortable reality for any couple with a large age gap – the corresponding difference in life expectancy between the partners. This is something that the younger partner will particularly dread, knowing that their older partner will most likely predecease them by many years.

The younger partner will need to think about whether they can accept this reality, in committing to the relationship for the longer term.

Of course, that can happen with partners close in age, too – but it’s more pronounced with a bigger age difference.

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