By Rachel Puryear
We all know someone who claims to be “protective” over those closest to them, but it seems an awful lot more like they’re being controlling. We also know someone who is genuinely protective, and it feels loving, rather than domineering.
Sometimes, also, the line isn’t so clear – someone might intend to be protective rather than controlling, but be driven by fear and misinformation such that their behavior instead ends up being more controlling.
Therefore, here are some important distinctions between protectiveness versus being controlling:
Genuine Worry Versus Possessiveness
A protective person will worry about a loved one, and want to look out for them – but they still give the person space, and understand that they need autonomy.
A controlling person feels that they own another, and are possessive rather than just trying to look out for their safety. In fact, a possessive person is often the greatest danger to those close to them, rather than what they might claim to need to “protect” them against.
Reasonable Precautions Versus Keeping Someone on a Leash
A protective person will take reasonable steps to look out for those they love, such as checking on them from time to time, and listening to their own instincts.
A controlling person will want to monitor someone else excessively, with disregard for their privacy, and will expect the person to always be available to respond to them immediately, and frequently – making it quite difficult for the other person to have much of a life that doesn’t revolve around the controlling person’s one-sided wishes.
Communication Versus Dismissiveness
A protective person will communicate with those they love, and have mutual conversations about whatever concerns they have. They will say so if they think something maybe isn’t right, but are also willing to hear their loved one’s feedback.
The controlling person wants to have a one-sided conversation, where they do all the talking, and dismiss the other person’s side of things. They aren’t interested in the other person’s needs or feelings.
Asking Versus Demanding
The protective person will make reasonable requests, like asking a loved one to text when they get back home safely, or wanting to know who their loved one’s friends are – particularly in a closer relationship.
The controlling person will demand and interrogate the other person into giving information they might not want to give, especially if it’s too soon. The controlling person quite often intends to use what they learn about the other person against them, given a chance.
Sharing Versus Snooping
The protective person is willing to share of themselves, as a part of an exchange of mutual self-disclosure between them and their loved one. They realize that sharing information goes both ways, but also respect boundaries in terms of what each person is willing to share, and when.
The controlling person has no sense of minding their own business, and is willing to snoop on others in order to find out information that the other person wasn’t willing to share. Interestingly enough, though, such people are often quite secretive about their own information, and would balk at someone else spying on them the way that they spy on others.
Caring Versus Insecurity
A protective person genuinely cares about the well-being of their loved one. They want them to be happy, and also want to take reasonable precautions to look after their safety. They are genuinely driven by love.
The controlling person feels insecure, and because of that, opposes anything that they see as a threat to their ability to control and dominate another person. They are driven largely by fear.
Knowing Your Friends and Family Versus Isolating You
A protective person wants to know their loved one’s friends and family. They are interested in their loved one’s life, and also like to observe new people coming into the picture.
The controlling person wants to instead isolate the other person, and make themselves (or those loyal only to them) the center of the other person’s life. They might try to prevent the other person from seeing other loved ones – or, if they’re more subtle, they might begin gradually alienating important people in the other person’s life.
Listening to Your Needs Versus Making it About Them
A protective person will listen to the needs of their loved one, and care about that, alongside of whatever safety concerns they might have. They realize that they and their loved one might disagree, and that that’s okay.
The controlling person is not interested in what the other person needs, and instead makes it about themselves, and believes that only whatever they want matters. The other person’s needs are not even real to them.
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