By Rachel Puryear
One of the best kept secrets about highly empathic/HSP people is also one of the most intimate aspects of our lives. I think it’s time we celebrate our sexuality.
Despite tendencies to be mild-mannered and quiet in most social settings, empathic/HSP people can be quite passionate, free-spirited, as well as uncommonly attuned to their partners in private sexual settings. Their emotional depth really comes through in their intimate lives. They are capable of strong connection to their partners, and loving and caring is important for them in bed. So is mutual pleasure.
At the same time, as always, people vary widely – including empathic and HSP people – and my intention is not to generalize, or mischaracterize us as all being alike sexually.
However, what I do want to do is to suggest ways to examine how your sex life might be better, things to talk about with your partner(s), and – as always – help normalize the pursuit of more pleasurable sex between consenting adults.
Accordingly, here are some things for empathic and HSP people, and/or their partners, to think about regarding their sex lives:
One hand holding half an orange, and the other hand suggestively running a finger over the center of the orange. By Sharon McCutcheon.
Getting Into the Mood, Setting the Scene
This is very important – not exclusively to empathic and HSP people, of course, but perhaps especially so for us.
If you or your partner have a hard time getting started, or feeling up to making love, consider how the atmosphere you create in your space plays into that.
Things that might seem little to many people can make a big difference in terms of getting into the right mood.
This includes setting the house/room at a comfortable temperature – with clothes off. Don’t skip turning the heat up if it’s too cold, to get one another wanting to take it all off.
Also, you don’t need to do it in the dark – but soft, romantic lighting makes a big difference over a harsh overhead light. This could be a soft lamp, or (preferably electric) candles nearby.
Some background music helps set the mood, too – exactly what music will depend upon personal preference.
This is key for anyone in intimate and sexual matters. It’s very important for maximum pleasure, as well as minimizing frustrations.
Partners should communicate about what they both enjoy in the bedroom, and any fantasies and desires they wish to fulfill. On the other hand, limits and boundaries must be part of the conversation, too. So should any special needs – i.e., health, mobility, neurosensitivity, chronic pain.
If pregnancy is possible, please make this a part of the discussion, too, for both your well-being and the sake of the long-term relationship. Maybe you’re trying to conceive, and want to make the occasion extra special. Or, maybe you’re trying to avoid pregnancy – in the latter case, how you’ll do that is important, but so is what you have in mind in case there is an unplanned pregnancy.
Furthermore, communicate about things that have nothing to do with sex. Getting to know more about one another, and feeling more deeply bonded to each other will pay off big time when it’s time to get intimate.
Talking about these things before you get hot and heavy is great, but it’s never too late. Even if you’ve been together for a while, but never talked openly about improving your sex lives, it might be surprisingly helpful.
Taking Your Time, and Timing
Empathic and HSP people are known for not liking to be rushed and hurried along – and sexual activity is no exception.
Of course, life gets busy, and we all have demands upon our time and energy. Some people also just have limited energy, for various reasons. This might necessitate keeping it to just a quickie at times, even when someone might otherwise prefer to go longer. Nevertheless, whether it’s a quickie or a long session, it’s better if partners can take their time, if possible.
Of course, life is busy, and not everyone’s circumstances lend themselves to frequent opportunities for long sessions. Especially if you have kids, work full time, or other major responsibilities.
If you’re busy, build some time for one another into your schedule. I know, spontaneity is more romantic – but if you won’t get around to intimacy unless you make an appointment, doing that is better than nothing. Try to set aside a few hours so you can relax, take all the time you need, and minimize interruptions if possible.
Intimacy and Connection
Empathic and HSP people tend to have the deepest sexual connections with people they trust, and feel close to. Of course, that’s true for most other people, too – but may be especially so for us.
That’s not to say that empathic and HSP people cannot also enjoy more casual sex – they often do, and there’s nothing wrong with that for anyone.
However, they will tend to have the best sex with people they trust, are closely bonded to, and feel completely comfortable with. Those things don’t come easy for us, but they’re worth pursuing.
Clearing Roadblocks First
Sometimes, where a couple’s sexual life falters, there’s something more going on.
Maybe at least one person has a health issue – maybe there’s pain, a lack of energy, depression, or a physical or mental problem that’s making sex difficult. Maybe someone has unresolved sexual trauma.
Maybe at least one person is constantly tired, stressed, or overworked – this could leave them feeling to drained, or too time-pressured to feel in the mood.
If this is the case, maybe some treatment is needed. Or, possibly some adaptation – maybe a different time of the day, when partners are both better rested; or maybe shorter but more frequent blocks of time would help.
Or, sometimes there are things left unsaid in relationships which are creating a block for at least one person, and it diminishes their drive or desire.
Maybe someone feels overworked and tired because they aren’t getting enough help and support from the other. Maybe someone still feels hurt about something that their partner doesn’t realize is still bothering them. Maybe something else is causing resentment to brew.
If any of those things are the case; communication, mutual efforts, and empathy to work through things will be really important if there is hope to get back on track.
Basking in the Afterglow
Aftercare is an important part of sexual activity, though it can get overlooked. For empathic and HSP people, it can be an especially important way of connecting with their partner.
This can be a great time to snuggle together under the covers, and chat a little – preferably of the lighthearted variety.
If you both have some time and energy after a rest, you could massage each other, go another round, or anything else that strikes your fancy.
You can play a game, you can watch something together, you can cook a great meal afterwards. The point is to enjoy one another’s company, and continue the good feeling. Again, take your time. And just enjoy one another.
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Thank you, dear readers, for reading, following, and sharing. Here’s to awesome intimate lives. If you enjoyed this content and want to see more of it, please hit “like” and subscribe, if you have not done so already. xoxo
Check out my other blog, too – Free Range Life, at https://freerangelife.net. It’s about road trips to parks and other cool places to see, how wealth is built and lost – and things I wish I’d known earlier about finances, ideas for building remote/passive income streams, and van/RV life tips.
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