By Rachel Puryear
It’s an awful feeling. Someone you care about is there one moment, and then, *poof*, gone the next. You try to reach out and see what happened, but they don’t call or text back. Hours of waiting turn into days, days turn into weeks, weeks turn into the long run. They just never turn up, or contact you, ever again.
Sometimes, the disappearance follows an epic fight, or clear signs that something about the relationship was not working. Often, though, there was no apparent triggering event, no negative feedback expressed, and things seemed fine – until one day, the other person just inexplicably left, leaving you just as bewildered as hurt.
You are most likely left wondering what happened. It is perfectly normal to want answers, to need closure, and to desire some kind of resolution – even if things were heading towards an end, anyway. You might not ever get a chance to ask questions or get the answers you were looking for and deserved – but nonetheless, here is a general sense of what often goes on with the kind of people who ghost; and how you can best move on.
Note: Ghosting refers to suddenly cutting off contact with no direct explanation, with someone the ghoster had an ongoing relationship or friendship with. It does not refer to ceasing contact after a casual, one-time meeting or not responding to an inquiry from a stranger with whom there is no previously established relationship.
Someone Worth Having in Your Life Won’t Just Ghost You
This needs to be stated first. If they were worth having and healthy for you to have around, they would not ghost you and leave you wondering. If they did part ways with you, they would do it in a decent and respectful manner, and one that at least gives some closure to whatever you had together. If someone ghosted you, you are better off without them. The goal in recovering from what has happened is not to get them back – you don’t need them back. Instead, the goal is to give yourself the best closure you can in their absence, fill in the blanks with what you have, and help you move on.
People Who Ghost Have a Common Secret – They are Generally Liars
Show me someone who suddenly ghosts the people they are supposed to love, and I’ll show you someone who has a serious problem with lying. Sometimes, the ghosting is a strategy to cover up a lie, and that may explain the disappearance. However, it goes even deeper than that – dishonesty and deception are part and parcel of the type of personality who ghosts.
Ghosters Lack Empathy
Ghosting is not about a fear of confrontation, like some people think. Many people with a fear of confrontation nonetheless face their fears if they need to address a tough subject with someone they love, and ghosters are not necessarily afraid of confrontation. Instead, ghosting is about discarding people when the ghoster is finished with them. They simply don’t want to bother with the task of properly ending a relationship. Their lack of empathy enables them to just disappear on someone who has known and loved them for a while.
Ghosters Don’t Have Much Regard for You, or For Anyone Else
Ghosters are pretty selfish, as evidenced by the fact that they don’t care how badly their behavior can mess up the other person involved. They only see themselves. They assess others’ worth in terms of what they can do for them, and won’t even make the effort of a proper goodbye once they have used up someone, as they view it.
Filling In the Gaps After Getting Ghosted
Normally, things like internet stalking and asking around about someone can be frowned upon by others. However, after you’ve been ghosted, it’s perfectly ok do what you have to do to get the answers you need. After all, if they had just been up front with you, you would not need to do your own detective work. So long as you stay within the bounds of the law and reasonable decency, you’re good.
You may or may not get satisfactory results from your search, and you also want to be careful not to become obsessive about it. Give yourself a limited amount of time to inquire, stick to that, and then go with whatever your gut tells you.
Even though you know this person was bad for you, and that you’re better off without them, it’s still emotionally very hard getting ghosted. That scar can remain for a long time. Recovering from this is challenging.
Nonetheless, do things that you enjoy, and that fulfill you – an artistic passion, visiting a place you love or have always wanted to see, getting closer to someone who does care for you and has always been there for you can go a long way towards picking yourself back up again.
The ghoster probably kept you from doing a lot of the things you love, and from seeing people you love – and who love you back. That was, at least in part, because you were frequently preoccupied by the ghoster’s lack of reliability, and depressed by their constant emotional distance. This is now a chance for freedom, for autonomy, and for getting your life back.
If you have fences to mend with people who love you but whom you got further away from because of the ghoster, this is a great time to do it. They will most likely be thrilled to hear from you again, and happy to catch up.
Furthermore, you will likely see the ghoster’s actions eventually come back to them. I don’t believe that people always get what they deserve – however, I have observed that most ghosters eventually do have their personal relationships implode (with the people they don’t ghost), and they burn a lot of bridges. It tends to bite them in the end, and a few years down the line things will likely not look too rosy for them.
Thank you, dear readers, for reading, following, and sharing. Here’s to honesty and communication in relationships, whether they are ending or continuing. If you enjoyed this content and want to see more of it, please hit “like” and subscribe, if you do not do so already. xoxo