World Class Hugs

By Rachel Puryear

Have you ever felt head over heels for someone else, and wondered if that attraction was really good for you? Especially if it was unreciprocated? Have you ever had feelings for someone, and wished you could just turn them off – and even felt emotionally trapped because of this?

If your answer to these questions is a resounding “yes” – or maybe you or someone you care about is even feeling stuck in a situation like this right now – then you (or they) may be experiencing not so much genuine love, but instead limerence.

So what is limerence? How is it different from genuine love? And how does one know if they are experiencing limerence? Here’s what you need to know about limerence:

What is Limerence?

The term “limerence” was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s. It reflects the experience of being intensely infatuated with someone – and in a way that is both euphoric, but also agonizing.

Individuals in a limerent state tend to exhibit certain defining characteristics:

• Intense longing: A strong desire for emotional and sometimes physical, connection with the person of interest. This, in itself, is not inherently problematic. Note that while limerence often includes sexual desires for the person of interest, it does not have to, nor does it necessarily have to be romantic – in fact, people can be limerent for someone of a gender they’re not romantically attracted to.
• Emotional highs and lows: Fluctuations in mood depending on interactions with the person of interest. If they had a good interaction with that person, they feel great. But if the interaction didn’t go as they wanted, they get down in the dumps. This starts to create dependency on something the limerent person cannot fully control, which can lead to emotional instability.
• Preoccupation: Constant thoughts about the person of interest, which can interfere with daily life. It can get to the point of regular obsession, where it crowds out other important things in the limerent person’s life.
• Idealization: Viewing the person of interest as perfect, often overlooking their flaws. This can lead the limerent person to even wave away red flags, undesirable traits (like lack of kindness or poor behavior) and signs of an unhealthy dynamic. No one is perfect, but the limerent person looks at the person of interest through rose colored glasses.

These characteristics then lead to obsessive behaviors, such as constant daydreaming about the future (often unrealistically so), and painstakingly analyzing every interaction for signs of reciprocation.

Here are also a few things that limerence is NOT:

• Creepy stalkers: You may envision a limerent person as someone with a secret shrine, or a cork board filled with memorabilia of the person of interest in their home. While it is possible that someone could be both a stalker and also become limerent, generally speaking, limerence is not the same thing as stalking and harassment. The limerent person may very well feel emotionally trapped and lacking in control over their life due to the limerence, and aren’t necessarily violating the boundaries of the person of interest, or general social norms. The limerent person may want to escape the limerence but feel they cannot. They can also be prone to getting taken advantage of by the person of interest, if the person of interest detects the limerence and exploits it.
• Honeymoon phase/NRE: It is normal in the beginning of a new, *actual* romantic relationship for both partners to mutually be excited, elated, and constantly thinking about one another. This is called the “honeymoon phase,” or “new relationship energy” – and typically lasts about three months to one year into a relationship, six months being about average. The distinction is that this occurs at the beginning of an established relationship, is mutual, and lasts for a limited duration of time.
• Hopeless romantics: Some people love being in love, and that’s great. However, limerence is not about romance – it’s about fantasy. Romance also involves mutual affection.
• Unrequited love: Probably just about everyone, at some point in their lives, develops feelings for someone who doesn’t feel the same way. This is a painful, but just about universal, life experience. A limerent person, however, does not necessarily love and care for the person of interest, nor do they necessarily want a long term relationship or a commitment with them. Also, people in unrequited love are not necessarily obsessive and emotionally dependent around the person they care for.

Differences Between Limerence and Healthy Relationships

Understanding the contrast between limerence and healthy relationships is crucial to maintaining emotional well-being – and sometimes, other kinds of well-being.

Healthy relationships are marked by:

• Mutual respect and understanding: Both partners value each other’s thoughts and feelings.
• Emotional stability: A feeling of safety, security, and comfort in the relationship.
• Supportive communication: Open dialogue that fosters trust and growth.

On the other hand, limerence is frequently:

• One-sided: Often, one partner (or person, if there is no relationship) is deeply infatuated, while the feelings aren’t reciprocated.
• Unbalanced and intense: The emotional highs and lows can lead to insecurity and stress rather than joy and stability.
• Uneasy: Often, the limerent person will conceal their feelings for the person of interest, until they are certain the other person shares them – if that ever happens, which is a big “if”.

Continued obsession can cause harm, as it often leads to personal neglect and emotional distress. It can also put the limerent person in a position to be taken advantage of, and possibly abused.

Identifying Limerence in Your Own Life

If you wonder whether you or a loved one are experiencing limerence, there are noticeable signs you may be able to identify:

• Obsessive thoughts: Are you unable to focus on anything else? Do you constantly replay and analyze all interactions with the person of interest, looking for signs of reciprocal interest and hope?
• Emotional dependency: Do you feel elated or devastated based on their actions and apparent feelings towards you? Do you base self-esteem, and your mood, on perceived interest from them? Are you always fearful that you will look bad, say the wrong thing, or not come across well around them?
• Discomfort during separation: Are you anxious and unsettled when not in contact with them? Are you always uncertain about them?
• Physical signs: Do you have classic signs of anxiety – like a fast heart rate, sweating, breathing fast often? Do you even sometimes feel manic?

To gain clarity, ask yourself (or your loved one, if they’re willing to talk about it) self-reflective questions such as:

• Do I feel secure in this connection?
• Am I valuing my own needs, as well as my partner’s (or the other person’s)?

Is There Hope for Freeing Oneself From Limerence?

While limerence can be a thrilling experience, it contrasts sharply with the characteristics of a healthy relationship – and tends to ultimately bring more pain and psychological ensnarement than genuine happiness and joy.

Recognizing the difference between authentic love and limerence is vital to emotional well-being. Embracing self-awareness and aiming for balanced, reciprocal love connections, gives your relationships a chance to lead to personal happiness and fulfillment.

This also raises the question – how does limerence usually end? Actually, there are typically a few different ways:

• The limerent relationship is consummated: There’s an adage about being careful what you wish for, because you might get it. Sometimes, the limerent person gets the person of interest, although not usually. Even when they do, though, it doesn’t necessarily end happily – often, shortly after the new relationship begins, the spell is broken; and the once-limerent person loses interest, and moves on. Even where it does continue, if the limerent person remains deeply infatuated while the other is less so, the relationship is inherently unequal – and that always leads to painful problems, particularly for the person at a disadvantage. This underscores that limerence is more about the fantasy than the reality.
• Limerence naturally wears off as the limerent person loses hope: Eventually, if the limerent person feels emotionally starved long enough by a lack of reciprocity from the person of interest, the feelings will fade. But it’s a matter of (uncertain) time. The idealized view of the person of interest wears off, and the once-limerent person may feel a great deal of sadness and pain, or they may simply feel indifference. Even if they grieve the limerence ending, though, they will likely feel relief that the limerent feelings are over – and they may feel that they have more of their life back, and can tend to themselves now.
• Transference: Sometimes, the limerence will transfer from one person to another, and then the cycle begins all over again.

A limerent person, or someone else concerned for the well-being of the limerent person, might wonder how long this can last. There’s no way to tell for sure, while it’s happening. Limerence can last for a matter of days, or even as long as a lifetime – but on average, they tend to last about one to three years.

Also, usually, people can only be limerent with one person at a time. Some people may tend to be serially limerent, jumping from limerent experiences with one person to the next frequently.

It’s worth noting as well that anyone can become limerent, including emotionally healthy people. Limerence occurs about equally across people of all genders, and racial, ethnic, and socioeconomic backgrounds.

However, some individuals may be more prone to experiencing limerence than others. Having mental health conditions, as well as a history of trauma, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and PTSD; increase the likelihood of someone experiencing limerence. It may also be correlated with early childhood abandonment or neglect. It’s also more common in people with an anxious attachment style.

Limerence pretty much hijacks the mind. For someone prone to limerence, professional help therefore might be a good idea, especially if their limerence doesn’t fade quickly. In any event, as it can seriously disrupt a life, it should be taken seriously.

For some people, though, awareness about limerence – and being able to recognize it early while it’s happening – might help them manage it and resist letting it develop, and quash it early by surrendering hope for the limerence, by realizing early that these things rarely ever bring joy and fulfillment. For individuals able to do that, that is a great emotional skill of self-protection. However, for those unable to cultivate such and who are frequently prone to limerence, then some professional help may be necessary, and that’s okay.

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Thank you, dear readers, for reading, following, and sharing. Here’s to healthy and well-reciprocated bonds and attachments. If you enjoyed this post, please “like” and subscribe, if you have not already.

Check out my other blog, too – Free Range Life, at https://freerangelife.net.

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