World Class Hugs

Rachel Puryear

Nobody in their right mind likes a bully. Yet, bullies get their way far too often in everyday life, and feel entitled to do so – typically enjoying an undeserved, and elevated social status.

So how do they get away with that, and only rarely face consequences for their bad behavior? Especially when they’re actually a pretty small percentage of the overall population?

Well, having enablers makes it possible for them to get away with being really awful – and sometimes, lots of enablers, including those in high places.

So then, what exactly is an enabler?

A bully enabler is anyone who supports, encourages, or helps the bully; including helping them to get away with their misdeeds and avoid accountability to others. This can include friends of the bullies, authority figures who side with the bullies over their victims (unfortunately this is very common, as anyone who’s ever been bullied well knows), and attitudes among the population idolizing the kind domineering and egotistical personalities typically found in bullies.

(Notably, this also helps some really terrible politicians – who are big-time bullies, liars, cheats, thieves, bigots, abusers, and other awful things – win elections that they should not. Saying that from the USA right now…)

Bully enablers are more common, and probably far more common, than people who go through their entire lives being bullies as an inherent part of their personality. So they are an even more widespread problem than the actual bullies – and again, the bullies couldn’t get away with what they do so easily, without all of their enablers.

Why do people even enable bullies, when they’re not necessarily bullies themselves? Sometimes, it’s because they believe that a bully will protect them, and give them opportunities – though this is often a fallacy, and whatever someone does receive from a bully will come at a high cost. Other times, people are taken in by a bully’s false charm and charisma – and will believe whatever they say, and side with them over their victims.

Sometimes, bully enabling is even unintentional, but arises out of commonly held biases and assumptions – including fallacies around “fairness”. Unwitting enablers might assume that “both sides” must be equally at fault for a fight or dispute, when that’s not always the case. Or, they might even assume that the bullied person brought it upon themselves, through lack of assertiveness, not fitting in socially, or a failure to understand that people who get bullied tend to have a history of trauma and abuse even before the bullying started (though people tend to focus on, and more easily sympathize with, assumed abuse in the bully’s past).

A bullied person might repress their natural anger and just endure the abuse for a while, rather than make waves, especially if they know that the bully is popular and well-connected. But then they could eventually snap, and unleash their pent-up rage against the bully’s injustices and mistreatment, and finally fight back. However, the bully is likely to then play the victim, and can also more easily behave calmly when onlookers start paying attention, as they aren’t the one who has had to swallow such abuse for so long. People who don’t understand the true dynamics of bullying and abuse can easily become enablers without realizing that, therefore.

It should also be noted that in the context of domestic and intimate violence, and bullying between people who are also related, partnered, or even friends with one another; that the bully is more commonly referred to as the abuser. There are common dynamics between an abuser and the abused, as well as the bully and the bullied, but the difference is in the type of relationship that the two have – in the former they have a close personal relationship, and in the latter they don’t.

Accordingly, in order to deal with and confront a bully, it’s not just about dealing with the bully – their enablers may be protecting them, and supporting them. This can make it more difficult to challenge a bully.

However, that doesn’t mean that one shouldn’t stand up to bullies – they absolutely should, especially when they are in a position to do so, and wield at least as much social power and ranking as the bully does. It just means to be prepared to deal with their various enablers, as well.

It’s also critically important to examine oneself, even if one does not like bullies, to make sure that they are not an enabler. Sometimes that enabling is done intentionally, but it can also be done unconsciously – often as a result of cultural conditioning, and personal biases.

That’s why it’s also important for everyone – not just the bullied and abused – to understand the real dynamics of this kind of maltreatment, and how bullying personalities truly work.

Often, honest self-examination will help one realize whether or not they are enabling bullies, and being pressed into using whatever social advantages and influence they have in order to do so. This is a critical element to helping to stop bullies – you might not be able to change a bully, but you can at least use better self-awareness to help stop enabling them.

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Thank you, dear readers, for reading, following, and sharing. Here’s to standing up to bullies, as well as holding their enablers accountable, too. If you enjoyed this post, please “like” and subscribe, if you have not already.

Check out my other blog, too – Free Range Life, at https://freerangelife.net.

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