World Class Hugs

By Rachel Puryear

The first few months of a new relationship is an exciting and intense time. You’re likely giddy, thinking about your new sweetheart frequently, and dreaming of the future.

That dreamy phase is known as new relationship energy, or the honeymoon phase – and for most couples, it last about three to six months. The almost electric feeling people have for each other during this time is known as chemistry – the attraction when they’re together.

After the honeymoon phase is over, though, a couple must then navigate longer term compatibility – that is, how well their life goals, values, lifestyles, and needs match up, and whether or not these align closely enough that the relationship is likely to be successful and lasting happily, and satisfactorily, for the longer term.

We’ve all known a couple – and maybe been part of such a couple ourselves – who shined brilliantly in the beginning, getting attached to each other very quickly; to then burn out in the not-too-distant future, if not turn on one another completely.

How does that happen? Here’s a big reason why – they had strong chemistry in the short term, but lacked compatibility for the longer term.

People often confuse chemistry and compatibility in relationships. They don’t necessarily think they’re the same thing, but they mistake strong chemistry as being a substitute for a lack of compatibility. However, both are needed for a relationship to last for a long time.

Therefore, how can one differentiate between the two? Here are several important distinctions:

Signs of Strong Chemistry

• You are both highly physically and psychologically attracted to one another.
• Conversations between you flow easily and effortlessly.
• You share a lot of interests, and worldviews.
• You feel comfortable and at ease with one another, there’s a good rapport, and you feel like you can talk about anything together without feeling judged.
• You’re emotionally responsive, intimate, and attuned to one another – including laughing together, or feeling for their emotions.
• When you’re apart, you frequently think about each other, daydream about being together, and fantasize about each other.
• There’s a feeling of intensity when you’re together, that you could even describe as electric, with “sparks flying”.
• You get a “butterflies in the stomach feeling” when thinking about them.
• You share similar sexual desires, the sex is hot and heavy, and you also readily and naturally give one another physical and emotional affection.
• You feel an awakening within yourself upon starting a new relationship with them. Your emotions are stronger, you start reevaluating your life, you start becoming aware of new or forgotten passions – in addition to your passion for the other person, there’s a new feeling of being more alive and energized.

Signs of Strong Compatibility

• You trust one another.
• Your values align. This includes what’s important to you, what you believe in, your sense of ethics and morality, political views, and spiritual practices – or the lack thereof.
• You want the same things out of life. This includes – but is not limited to – where you want to live, whether both of your career paths align with each of your goals, whether or not to have children together, and having enough shared interests that are most important to you.
• You meet each other’s emotional needs consistently, and are both willing to do the work to ensure that that is the case.
• You are both highly satisfied with your sex life, you both feel fulfilled sexually together, and are comfortable sharing your deepest sexual fantasies with one another.
• You are on the same page about finances – including spending and saving, financial goals, as well as ambition and work-life balance.
• You feel safe with each other, you each feel supported by the other, and each take refuge in the other through life’s challenges.
• You both feel that your relationship is equal, and equitable.
• You may have disagreements and arguments, but you can both work through them fairly, with each person feeling heard – and come to compromises where necessary without constant resentment.
• You bring out the best in one another, and each feel like the best version of yourselves in the relationship.
• You each care deeply about the other, and when needed, you are both willing and able to put the other’s needs above your own at times.
• You are both honest and transparent with each other, and are able to consistently communicate effectively with one another.

The Combination of Both Chemistry and Compatibility is Key to a Strong, Lasting Relationship

Of course, a good combination of both chemistry and compatibility is important – and neither should be overlooked. Each plays a role in the longevity, mutual satisfaction, and quality of a long term relationship.

At the same time, one does not compensate for the lack of the other – and new relationship energy can easily trick one into thinking that chemistry will overcome a lack of compatibility, when that’s not the case.

Accordingly, in looking for new relationships; it’s very important to look for both good chemistry, and also signs of good compatibility with a new partner.

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