By Rachel Puryear
Narcissism, and what it’s like dealing with people who have narcissistic personalities, is a hot topic these days. Anyone who’s ever fallen in love with a toxic narcissist, befriended one, or was raised by one; will never forget – those who get away quickly will be shaken, and those who were trapped over a long period of time will have scars.
When people talk about toxic people, many of those toxic people are narcissists – and it’s important to realize that they generally do not change.
Most of us have an idea of what a narcissistic person is, and how they act. The stereotypical narcissist is the overt kind – boastful, proud, arrogant, socially bold, and yet quite charismatic at first.
But there’s also a more covert kind of narcissist, that fewer people will recognize. This type might seem so harmless and vulnerable – at least initially – and therefore not be spotted by even many people savvy about toxic personalities. However, if you get lured in by one, they’ll soon show you that they’re anything but what you first thought – and that they’re instead secretly ruthless, mercenary, and dangerous.
Therefore, what do we all need to know in order to better spot the more covert kind of narcissists? Here are some clues that you could be dealing with a covert narcissist:
They’re Always the Hero, or Always the Victim
Have you ever met someone who tells lots of stories about themselves – in which they always portray themselves either as the big hero who saved the day, and take the credit for everything; and/or as the victim, always with a sob story, and there’s always a big bad villain who’s out to get them, while they themselves did nothing wrong?
Nobody is always the hero or always the victim in life, so such constant and extremely unrealistic portrayals or oneself should be a red flag. It could also be a clue that someone is a narcissist – with the stereotypical narcissist tending to portray themselves more as always the hero, and the covert narcissist likely favoring portraying themselves as the victim much or most of the time.
Their Attitude Towards Accepting Help
A covert narcissist will likely welcome assistance from others in all kinds of situations, and this could create the positive (even if false) impression that they’re humble, rather than being too proud to ask for help.
In fact, they tend to relish the attention of receiving help, and the sympathetic sentiments that tend to come from such.
In fact, they may exaggerate or outright make up various troubles and crisis situations, in order to get others to help – but often times, it isn’t even necessary to falsify, as they keep making their own poor choices and expect others to be their co-dependents.
They might also malinger in order to get out of obligations and duties, and get others to do everything for them – even though they could help out, but instead choose not to (as opposed to someone who genuinely cannot do certain things).
Or, if they’re not the malingering type, they might instead go the opposite way, and be extra hard working. Just so that they can complain that they always have to do everything, and no one ever helps them in return – even if they insisted upon doing everything themselves in the first place, they still want everyone else to feel like shit for that.
Whereas a stereotypical narcissist might be hostile to the idea of therapy – feeling it is beneath them; a covert narcissist might very well love therapy. Not for personal growth or becoming a better person, of course; but because they love to soak up the attention, sympathy, and unconditional validation that the therapist provides – since only the narcissist’s side of the story will be heard in the sessions.
They Can Do No Wrong, or Nobody Appreciates Them
Whereas the more stereotypical narcissist might brag about how much better and more important they are than everyone else, the covert narcissist (again, playing the victim) might instead whine about how nobody appreciates them, and how much they suffer for others who aren’t deserving (but they’re not telling the truth).
They’re More of a Crybully
I’ve written more extensively before here about the crybully – the passive-aggressive bully who exploits others’ sympathies by playing the victim, often claiming that others who don’t give them their way all the time are somehow mistreating them.
Covert narcissists are quite often big crybullies, rather than the more overtly tough, aggressive type that people tend to picture when they imagine a bully. But don’t let the more vulnerable and emotive appearance of the covert narcissistic crybully fool you – they are every bit as mean and ruthless as the tough bully – and at least the tough bully usually shows who they are up front.
Covert narcissists are typically also highly jealous and envious of others, do not like to give others credit – even if that credit is well deserved – for their own successes.
Whether someone else has more success than the covert narcissist – be that career success, having happy relationships and friendships, or other personal accomplishments – the covert narcissist will often claim that it’s unfair that others are more successful than they are, and assume that others cheated or had unfair advantages; refusing to acknowledge where others’ successes were hard-earned and well-deserved.
However, where the covert narcissist does achieve their own successes in life – even despite their awful personality and behavior – they would scoff at anyone suggesting where they had a leg up over anyone else, even if they actually did have a lot of help and support from others in their success. They would be absolutely livid if you gave credit to anyone else – even anyone else who really did deserve some of the credit.
If you try to hold a covert narcissist accountable for any bad behavior – and they should absolutely be held accountable, and face consequences for their actions – they will whine and say everyone is picking on them, it’s a conspiracy against them, and that they are being unduly harmed – without any regard whatsoever for anyone they have actually themselves harmed.
Is There a Gender Difference?
Women are less likely to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder than men. There are not clear answers available as to why that is – women might actually be less likely to be narcissistic than men, social conditioning could be a factor, and/or, female narcissists might tend to present differently enough from male narcissists such that they are less likely to be diagnosed correctly.
In looking at the differences between stereotypical and covert narcissists, though, it looks like the more stereotypical overt behaviors are more socially accepted for men than for women, while the more covert behaviors fall more within socially accepted behaviors for women than for men – so, is it possible that female narcissists are more likely to be covert than males? And if so, could this be a reason that female narcissists are less likely overall to be correctly diagnosed than males?
The answers to one or both of those questions could possibly be yes – but I don’t have those answers. They are genuinely questions. However, maybe answers to such questions will eventually become more available.
Note: I’m not a mental health professional. The above is based upon my own study of publicly available information about narcissism, including lots of material published by licensed professionals; as well as direct personal experience dealing with people with narcissistic personalities over a long time. If you need professional help or are looking for a formal diagnosis, please consult with a licensed professional. If you’ve been abused by a narcissist, or struggling because you’ve been around one a lot, getting professional help is advisable.
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