World Class Hugs

By Rachel Puryear

There’s no denying the sexy appeal of a person with loads of self-confidence – and there’s no physical feature more attractive than someone who unwaveringly believes in their own worth.

At the same time, no one wants to end up entangled with a narcissist – and aren’t narcissists grandiose, self-entitled egomaniacs who only ever think about themselves? Yes, actually they are (though covert narcissists can present somewhat differently than the kind we’re most familiar with).

However, there are clear distinctions between narcissism, versus genuine self-confidence. And no, one isn’t simply a more extreme version of the other – instead, they are actually oppositional sets of traits. Here are some of the differences between these two sets of traits:

Seeing the Best in Self and Others Versus Inflated View of Self

Narcissists feel superior to everyone else – and this feeling is completely unwarranted and delusional, and they fail to see the value in others beyond how those others can serve the narcissist’s ends.

Self-confident people, on the other hand, tend to have an honest view of their own strengths and weaknesses. They feel good about their accomplishments, yet also acknowledge where they could do better. They also extend the same regard towards others – seeing the best in them, and actively looking for that, too.

Positive Attitude Towards Self-Improvement Versus Blindness to Faults

Narcissists don’t want to see anything that contradicts the grandiose self-image they have of themselves. They don’t see any need for self-improvement – because that would suggest that any improvement is needed, and that they are not above everyone and everything.

Self-confident people, by contrast; believe in themselves, yet still have enough humility to see where they could also work on themselves and improve their capabilities. They recognize that practicing their skills and learning more is a good thing, and they feel good about doing so.

Genuineness Versus Superficial Charm

Narcissists can be quite charming – in an intoxicating sort of way – when you first meet them, especially when you don’t know them very well. It’s a mask they wear, to hide their true selves, and get people to like and praise them. But if you ever get a peek behind that curtain, you’ll see that they’re not really what they first appear to be.

Self-confident people are usually likable and make pleasant company, and there’s a sincerity to it that feels real – as opposed to forced and tiring. Of course, their moods and lives will vary like anyone else’s, and they tend to be honest about what’s going on with them. But when they’re feeling good, and in a cheerful mood, it feels genuine and consistent – and being around them tends to leave others feeling relaxed and good.

Belief in Capabilities Versus Anger at Criticism

Narcissists hate any criticism, and will often lash out in anger and respond aggressively to it – even if it’s just perceived, and made gently. Again, criticism undermines their sense of superiority and entitlement, so they automatically feel as though it is an attack on such.

Self-confident people both believe in themselves and in their abilities, yet they are also open to criticism. In fact, they likely view it as an opportunity to learn and to do better, especially if it’s made constructively. They know that they can always improve, and welcome tips from others who can help them do so.

Valuing Mutually Supportive Relationships Versus Demanding One-Sided Ones

A narcissist wants their relationships to revolve around them and what they feel they’re entitled to – and other people’s needs aren’t something they usually think about, much less respond appropriately to. Other people’s needs are not real to them, as they view others around them as extensions of themselves.

A self-confident person values relationships that are give and take, and where each person contributes and receives, and each person is supported by the relationship as well as supporting the other person, too. They expect this in a relationship, and recognize that it’s the only way a relationship can be viable and mutually satisfying for any length of time at all.

Giving and Accepting Help Versus Exploiting Others for Own Gain

A narcissist might help others sometimes, but typically to the extent that they see a benefit in it for themselves – like currying future favors they might need later, or improving their reputation. However, they don’t like to ask for help – instead, they prefer to demand it of someone they think they can pressure into it, manipulate others by playing on sympathy or guilt (particularly if they’re the covert kind), or take advantage of others to get what they want. These methods make them feel more powerful than simply asking for help would.

A self-confident person, on the other hand, is willing to give and receive – including offering and asking for – help to and from others. They are often givers, and able to be generous while still setting reasonable boundaries. Rather than believing themselves to be weak or burdensome for receiving help, they understand that mutual aid is a normal and necessary part of human survival. They are grateful for help they receive, and seek out ways to also help those who help them, and to help those who help others, too.

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