Are Empathic People Doomed to End Up With Narcissists?

By Rachel Puryear

A common theme you see in many online spaces about empaths and/or narcissists is that they inevitably end up together. An inherently unequal and destructive, yet natural and unavoidable pairing, goes the common trope.

But is this really the case? Are empaths really doomed to spend their days with people as self-absorbed and entitled as the empathic person is kind, giving, and thoughtful? Do these opposites really attract?

The short answer is, no. It’s certainly not inevitable.

Empathic people can have happy and mutually satisfying relationships and friendships, and be with people who give back just as much as they receive.

However, empathic people might have to be more intentional about who they choose to have in their lives than most other people, including doing some self-healing. They also need to seek out at least some others who are also empathic like themselves.

Here’s why it’s totally possible for empathic people to have healthy, supportive, genuinely loving relationships:

Wrists breaking chains, and the concept of gaining freedom.

You Likely Have Some Unlearning to Do

Most empathic people are not born to people well equipped to guide an empathic child in understanding themselves, how to set good boundaries, and developing emotional awareness – and some empathic people are born to families where they’re urged to be very much other than what they naturally are, and are told that there’s something wrong with what they are.

This lack of emotional support can set many empathic people up to have dysfunctional – and maybe even abusive – relationship and friendship dynamics later on in life. This can include developing relationships with narcissistic people, in which the familiar dynamic of self-denial and a low sense of self-worth is repeated, and the relationship revolves around pleasing and placating the narcissistic person.

Accordingly, most empathic people will have some unlearning to do in order to improve the quality of their relationships and friendships.

At the same time, that doesn’t mean you have to fully heal everything before you can have a decent relationship – healing can often be a lifelong process.

Many people still manage to attract partners and friends who are loving and supportive, even if they have a long way to go towards unlearning and healing – and those positive relationships can help a very long way towards that same healing.

However, a desire to do and be better, and awareness of the need to unlearn and heal can be an important first step towards making your future better than your past was.

You Can Preserve Yourself and Still Stay True to Yourself

Another thing that many empathic people must deal with inside themselves is the fallacy that in order to be “real” empaths, we must be unconditionally nice and forgiving and understanding to mean, selfish, and abusive people; and that that’s the way we fix them.

No. That’s something abusers carefully train people to think.

You can have plenty of empathy, and still have solid boundaries that you won’t hesitate to enforce. You can feel compassion for why someone might behave badly, and acknowledge where it arises out of their own pain and suffering – and still be no less willing to let them take anything out on you, and you can also insist that they must be held accountable.

Recognizing that you can both preserve yourself, and stay true to yourself, are sometimes thought of as at odds with one another – but they’re really not. In fact, they go best together.

Accepting each of these seeming oppositional truths together will go a long way towards avoiding abusive relationships and friendships with narcissists, and instead cultivating healthy, mutually loving and supportive ones.

It Takes Practice

You don’t need to be perfect right away – or ever – to have satisfying relationships and friendships. You don’t have to reach a certain age, achieve a certain status in life, or become fully healed in every way (many people won’t ever be fully healed, but can still live enjoyable and fulfilling lives).

You can start practicing now at asking yourself what you really want from others, seeking that out (and avoiding toxic people), and remembering your own values. In fact, that’s all you can do – is practice. It might not seem like much at first, but over time, this can make such a huge difference in your life and in how you relate to others.

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